Some 90's song... She bang, she bang. Well, for me and for tonight, I write. I write. My life just doesn't seem interesting enough to document.
Since my surgery about 3 weeks ago, I have been sitting in the armchair watching a show. It occured to me today, that I could be reading, studying, something ELSE.
I awoke to my daughter's radio, loudly playing Christian music and a few times I had thought I had heard her playing. But no, school has started 4 days ago and the quiet interrupted only by the sound of the washing machine or the dish washer. Or this crazy TV. I am ready to have my kids home with me all day. Sure I'm okay with sending them off to school the first couple of days, but then I wish them to be home with me. I think a big part of this has to do with the fact that I was a working mom for so many years and yearned to be at home with them. It is the hardest, most self-sacrificing, most rewarding job I have ever held. I get yelled at, then hugged. I get told no, I clean up gross stuff, then I get puppy eyes and good-night kisses.
I was due for a round of Herceptin 3 weeks ago, but I won't go in until next week for treatment. This has been good for my joints, taking a break from the aches. I have pondered not continuing for several months, but this won't go over with my doctor. :( and I'm okay with that.
My real reason for being on here and so late, I was watching my eldest daughter draw tonight, she is an artist! And I read through some of my son's writings, HE IS AN AUTHOR! My youngest has removed her Barbie House and in it's place is a "desk" complete with phone, papers, pencils and "Work Stuff". I smile. Each of them has a little bit of me. That's why I'll continue on the Herceptin, that's why I'll fight every tummy ache, every achy joint, every tired morning and restless night. To be with them, to watch them grow, to send them to school. To cry with them and for them. And when it's all said and done. They will have this blog to look back at and say, "She wrote. She WROTE."
Love you, love me, love you, love me.
Thursday, August 18, 2016
8.18.2016 She writes, she writes
Some 90's song... She bang, she bang. Well, for me and for tonight, I write. I write. My life just doesn't seem interesting enough to document.
Since my surgery about 3 weeks ago, I have been sitting in the armchair watching a show. It occured to me today, that I could be reading, studying, something ELSE.
I awoke to my daughter's radio, loudly playing Christian music and a few times I had thought I had heard her playing. But no, school has started 4 days ago and the quiet interrupted only by the sound of the washing machine or the dish washer. Or this crazy TV. I am ready to have my kids home with me all day. Sure I'm okay with sending them off to school the first couple of days, but then I wish them to be home with me. I think a big part of this has to do with the fact that I was a working mom for so many years and yearned to be at home with them. It is the hardest, most self-sacrificing, most rewarding job I have ever held. I get yelled at, then hugged. I get told no, I clean up gross stuff, then I get puppy eyes and good-night kisses.
I was due for a round of Herceptin 3 weeks ago, but I won't go in until next week for treatment. This has been good for my joints, taking a break from the aches. I have pondered not continuing for several months, but this won't go over with my doctor. :( and I'm okay with that.
My real reason for being on here and so late, I was watching my eldest daughter draw tonight, she is an artist! And I read through some of my son's writings, HE IS AN AUTHOR! My youngest has removed her Barbie House and in it's place is a "desk" complete with phone, papers, pencils and "Work Stuff". I smile. Each of them has a little bit of me. That's why I'll continue on the Herceptin, that's why I'll fight every tummy ache, every achy joint, every tired morning and restless night. To be with them, to watch them grow, to send them to school. To cry with them and for them. And when it's all said and done. They will have this blog to look back at and say, "She wrote. She WROTE."
Love you, love me, love you, love me.
Since my surgery about 3 weeks ago, I have been sitting in the armchair watching a show. It occured to me today, that I could be reading, studying, something ELSE.
I awoke to my daughter's radio, loudly playing Christian music and a few times I had thought I had heard her playing. But no, school has started 4 days ago and the quiet interrupted only by the sound of the washing machine or the dish washer. Or this crazy TV. I am ready to have my kids home with me all day. Sure I'm okay with sending them off to school the first couple of days, but then I wish them to be home with me. I think a big part of this has to do with the fact that I was a working mom for so many years and yearned to be at home with them. It is the hardest, most self-sacrificing, most rewarding job I have ever held. I get yelled at, then hugged. I get told no, I clean up gross stuff, then I get puppy eyes and good-night kisses.
I was due for a round of Herceptin 3 weeks ago, but I won't go in until next week for treatment. This has been good for my joints, taking a break from the aches. I have pondered not continuing for several months, but this won't go over with my doctor. :( and I'm okay with that.
My real reason for being on here and so late, I was watching my eldest daughter draw tonight, she is an artist! And I read through some of my son's writings, HE IS AN AUTHOR! My youngest has removed her Barbie House and in it's place is a "desk" complete with phone, papers, pencils and "Work Stuff". I smile. Each of them has a little bit of me. That's why I'll continue on the Herceptin, that's why I'll fight every tummy ache, every achy joint, every tired morning and restless night. To be with them, to watch them grow, to send them to school. To cry with them and for them. And when it's all said and done. They will have this blog to look back at and say, "She wrote. She WROTE."
Love you, love me, love you, love me.
Monday, August 1, 2016
8.1.16 Letting Go and Filling the Hole
Oh what a day it has been. It's been one of those days where I woke with a song, I sang aloud and felt joy. What joy to be alive, to breathe, to LIVE.
I am on sort of bed rest. I am not allowed to lift my arm above my shoulder, and required to bandage my chest. No showering until after my follow-up appointment (Wednesday). I found I can knit without difficulty, but pretty much anything other than walking, is painful. Pain pills = lethargy and anxiety and moodiness. And through all of this I am finding hope. I can still see hope, or sense it. There is no loss for me, God is right beside me guiding me and helping me see joy through the pain, and lessons through the trash. Yes, trash. The garbage.
About a year ago we lost one of our landline phones. Not a big issue right? We had an extra just use it. Well the battery died. Kaput. For several months we had nothing. No landline, I'm sure we weren't missing vital phone calls, but none-the-less, I'm kinda old school and like having a way for people to contact us if needed. I also feel very tied down when carrying my cellphone. So I turn the ringer off. I would say at this point almost permanently. I check it frequently and respond well to text messages. I listen to voice mail messages, although, very infrequently. So a power issue, pun intended. I like to be in control of who I talk to and when. I like being in control of, I just like being in control.
I prayed, I begged God to help me find the phone.
I tried to forget about it, tried to act like I didn't care.
Then I started shopping for a new phone, the timing was all off. We didn't have it in the budget, or when we did, I couldn't find the right one. We needed one with multiply handhelds, I really didn't want to have this happen again (also with the way landline services work now, you have one plugged into a cable box thing and other phones can just be plugged into the wall where ever need be.
Finally I broke down and asked friends and family to search their "garage sale" boxes to see if one could be given to me. I just couldn't see myself buying a whole new set of phones. Someone suggested the second hand stores. AH YES! So I found myself buying a "new" phone, and it looked just like the one I had at home!
Brought it home to find that it didn't match, it didn't have all the cords and it was missing a charger dock.
So another few months go by. I still search once in awhile. And then I'm sick of it. Sick of this grocery bag of phones and wires and charger docks. I told Bill to just get rid of it. I'm tired of thinking this phone is going to show up. I give up. As we lay it on top of the garbage bin, I think, "Ah, but what if...."
Two weeks later, Bill has cleaned out a closet downstairs. THERE it is. There is the missing phone. Arggggg. I begin the search. I search everywhere for the bag of old phones and wires. I already know it's been long gone, yet I search. I dig in the trash, I search empty boxes and boxes of stored items. I know I threw it out. They were old phones. But I wasn't able to let go. I was hanging on. To something useless. Something that no longer worked and would no longer work for our family, I was still hanging onto. Even after thinking I had let go and even made the motion to giving it up, somewhere deep in my mind, I was hanging on. Tonight I am ready to let go, truely let go and use what God has already given me (my cell phone) and I'm ready to be prepared for something new to come into my life. Something better, that will WORK and bless my family. I am so blessed to be able to look around my situation and to be happy and relize the freedom in letting go of that which weighs me down.
Just as an alcoholic, drug addict, someone struggling with letting go, after letting go, after leaving the weight and cutting the ties. After learning to live day by day, moment to moment, I am now ready for that hole to be filled with something great, be it LOVE, JOY, PEACE, LONG SUFFERING, GENTLENESS, GOODNESS, FAITH, MEEKNESS AND TEMPERANCE.
I am so blessed to share this challenge I am going through with YOU! Love you, love me, love you, love me!
I am on sort of bed rest. I am not allowed to lift my arm above my shoulder, and required to bandage my chest. No showering until after my follow-up appointment (Wednesday). I found I can knit without difficulty, but pretty much anything other than walking, is painful. Pain pills = lethargy and anxiety and moodiness. And through all of this I am finding hope. I can still see hope, or sense it. There is no loss for me, God is right beside me guiding me and helping me see joy through the pain, and lessons through the trash. Yes, trash. The garbage.
About a year ago we lost one of our landline phones. Not a big issue right? We had an extra just use it. Well the battery died. Kaput. For several months we had nothing. No landline, I'm sure we weren't missing vital phone calls, but none-the-less, I'm kinda old school and like having a way for people to contact us if needed. I also feel very tied down when carrying my cellphone. So I turn the ringer off. I would say at this point almost permanently. I check it frequently and respond well to text messages. I listen to voice mail messages, although, very infrequently. So a power issue, pun intended. I like to be in control of who I talk to and when. I like being in control of, I just like being in control.
I prayed, I begged God to help me find the phone.
I tried to forget about it, tried to act like I didn't care.
Then I started shopping for a new phone, the timing was all off. We didn't have it in the budget, or when we did, I couldn't find the right one. We needed one with multiply handhelds, I really didn't want to have this happen again (also with the way landline services work now, you have one plugged into a cable box thing and other phones can just be plugged into the wall where ever need be.
Finally I broke down and asked friends and family to search their "garage sale" boxes to see if one could be given to me. I just couldn't see myself buying a whole new set of phones. Someone suggested the second hand stores. AH YES! So I found myself buying a "new" phone, and it looked just like the one I had at home!
Brought it home to find that it didn't match, it didn't have all the cords and it was missing a charger dock.
So another few months go by. I still search once in awhile. And then I'm sick of it. Sick of this grocery bag of phones and wires and charger docks. I told Bill to just get rid of it. I'm tired of thinking this phone is going to show up. I give up. As we lay it on top of the garbage bin, I think, "Ah, but what if...."
Two weeks later, Bill has cleaned out a closet downstairs. THERE it is. There is the missing phone. Arggggg. I begin the search. I search everywhere for the bag of old phones and wires. I already know it's been long gone, yet I search. I dig in the trash, I search empty boxes and boxes of stored items. I know I threw it out. They were old phones. But I wasn't able to let go. I was hanging on. To something useless. Something that no longer worked and would no longer work for our family, I was still hanging onto. Even after thinking I had let go and even made the motion to giving it up, somewhere deep in my mind, I was hanging on. Tonight I am ready to let go, truely let go and use what God has already given me (my cell phone) and I'm ready to be prepared for something new to come into my life. Something better, that will WORK and bless my family. I am so blessed to be able to look around my situation and to be happy and relize the freedom in letting go of that which weighs me down.
Just as an alcoholic, drug addict, someone struggling with letting go, after letting go, after leaving the weight and cutting the ties. After learning to live day by day, moment to moment, I am now ready for that hole to be filled with something great, be it LOVE, JOY, PEACE, LONG SUFFERING, GENTLENESS, GOODNESS, FAITH, MEEKNESS AND TEMPERANCE.
I am so blessed to share this challenge I am going through with YOU! Love you, love me, love you, love me!
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