9.21.18 Overcoming moment to moment

Wow. It's been a long time! There was this band, Backyard Tire Fire, and I loved their song, "Been a Long Time". I can't seem to find this song anywhere.
It reminded me of over-comers. I think part of the lyrics were, "It's been a long time since the skin I've been in felt like mine".
So here we are today.  I've been doing more soul searching, I've been doing some house cleaning on this soul of mine. I have been for some time, I just now realized I am taking the next steps. I will one day find the time to read through this blog and I am sure I will find hope and inspiration!
I have heard in the last two days, "Who are you?"
"What is your story?"
"Do you know who you are?"
"Do you know what has happened?"
And I have been answering these questions, pondering them, and answering them.
My first answer is, "I am Rhonda, I am a survivor. A survivor of more than cancer. A survivor of sexual abuse. A survivor of addiction. A survivor of life."
My story is long, sometimes boring, sometimes funny, sometimes or a lot of times challenging. My story includes you the reader and those who have yet to hear this story.
What has happened? Life. No bigger, no smaller than anyone else. No more challenging, no less challenging.
I really do feel as though I have been awakened at times from this crazy dream. Other times I just glimpse back and feel so very, very grateful.
I have also asked myself, what is my calling? What is my destiny? My calling is to love others, to proclaim to others God's grace, love and mercy. It sounds so cliche, and I'm sure it will coming from a computer screen. But to hear me, to hear my story is another thing. To hear of how much I love you, you would then see.
My destiny. Who do I have a heart for? People. That too would also be the cliche answer. My heart is for those who are hurting. Those who are fighting addiction. Those who have been sexually abused, those who are fighting cancer. My heart is for those whose mothers, sisters, wives, friends are fighting cancer. I can tell you a little of how they feel. They feel overwhelmed and loved. By YOU loving them through this. YOUR love is getting them through. For the addicts, YOUR love is getting them through. Day by day, moment by moment.
When I was going through the really crappy chemo, I would pray, "Lord, help me to make it through until 4:00PM when Bill gets home. I just need to make it to 4:00PM." God said, "Just make it through this next 15 minutes. You only have to make it through the next 15 minutes, and then the next 15 and the next 15." And I did that. Minute by minute. And here I am 7 years later, living moment by moment hoping I can make a difference THIS moment!

4.18.18 Changing the Past

IT is late and so my thoughts ramble and I found in the past, writing helps.
I'm not sure where to begin, so I will begin when my head hits the pillow the thoughts that ramble. I worry. I worry mainly about the past.
I'm wish. I wish I could've done more as a mom. I wish I could've made every field trip, I wish I could've wiped away every tear. I wish that I would've not worked so hard and stayed home more when I could. I wish I could've worried about money less and time more. I wish I never would've gotten cancer.
It stole so much from me. I could've gone to more basketball games, I could've been tougher, pushed a little harder, but cancer stole all of that. And so for a few moments that night I will wish.
You will graduate in less than a month and as you will hear a thousand times "start a new chapter". I can only tell you, don't wish for the past, don't wish to change the past-- Did you know I pray each and everyday for you? That you will look to the future and make it BETTER than the past? I love you so much.
Yeah, there is a lot I wish I could change, but each day I pray for my little family and ask God to show me-to help me change something in ME -so that I can change something in this world and make it a little better for someone else.

Wishing and hoping and dreaming and praying.

I heard this song at a cousins wedding, it was the opening song and
So here goes... another challenge I will blog about.
As I lay in bed wishing and hoping and dreaming and praying, I wonder if all this cancer crap even made a difference. If all of this was for nothing. Ive had family in the last month or so tell me I can't possibly understand them because I wasnt there or here. I've had family and friends check-out. I've been accused of making it all about me. I've beat myself up for having cancer, getting cancer and even fighting cancer. I've questioned and blamed and cried. So much crying. I'm still on treatments and that makes all of this even harder. Because right now as I lay here wishing and hoping and dreaming and praying, I wonder if any of it was worth it. Did any of this make a difference, a true difference. Did me going through any of this change the outcome of the future? I may never know, and THAT sucks. I mean, wow. It is a huge step of faith for me, this next step. I had been thinking for the last 6 months that my next step of faith was going to be stopping treatment. It never occurred to me that the next step of faith would be to continue treatment, for my kids. And I guess as I think about it, I can do it for them, so that they can see how I'm not doing this alone. I never have. Every step as been Christ leading me. Every tear, laugh, song and silent prayer, GOD has lead me, covered me, and at times carried me. There have been days I wanted so badly to quit, and days I have so badly wanted to LIVE and though each of them, EACH and every step I know I have not been alone. I want my kids to SEE that.
So now THIS step out onto the dance floor of life, still,
Wishing and hoping and dreaming and PRAYING.
Love you,