1.9.16 About Nothing Blog

This is where the blogging gets difficult. Where the rubber meets the road. Where I DID NOT DO a thing today, I have no inspiration. So therefore where life gets boring... I wonder if celebrities get bored? I guess if they are human.
      I did sleep in Elizabeth's room last night. Or I should say, tossed and turned. Then moved into our room this morning and slept until 1. I dreamt I was being chased on a pirate ship. I wonder what that means? I actually did do something, something I guess I'm a little embarrassed about. I've been watching "House, M.D." on Netflix. I am finally on season 8 of 8. Yes, a Netflix marathon. I really do need more of a life. Ah yes. But it keeps my mind busy and I am motivated to finish watching all of it. Why? I DON'T KNOW!
     Maybe my motivation is to be honest.

Love you, love me, love you, love me.


Maybe I should start a list of possible blog topics... At least it wasn't a BAD day. So therefore, it was a good day.

1.8.16 Only a few complaints

So I've been thinking, today is date day. Friday. I missed it today. I missed church the last couple of weeks, due to sleep.
    Ah yes, I don't if anyone else has noticed, but I started labeling my blogs. Just because I am curious about how many times I bring certain subjects up. lol.
    Sleep. Sleep eludes me. Or completely takes over me. It's not a completely unpleasant side effect. Just annoying. I was telling Bill I either sleep 4 hours or 10 hours. Okay, now I think I'm just at the point of complaining now.
   Since my incision, and re-stitch, I had my new stitches in for about 2 weeks. I had them taken out last Monday another fill. Slowly but getting there. Which is what I orginally wanted. I have treatment this week and another fill next week. After this last dozy, I really wish I can stop treatment all together. If I'm already sleeping this much...Whoa, falling into the complaining lap again.

   So, before I continue to complain, I will sign off. But not before I say a huge thank you to my teenagers for keeping me real!

Love you, love me, love you, love me.

1.7.16 Author

I wonder how many times I start this blog and never even know what I am going to write about. Some authors may tell you this is not writing, but ah, my friend, it is. For you see they are words and they are meant to be read. I want to be an author. I want, oh, wait, I am. I AM AN AUTHOR! And a mom! I have days where I can't seem to muster the strength to get out of bed, but author's don't need to get out of bed, and. AND... mom's, good mom's don't need to either. If you do to the best of your ability, that is good. Yesterday was a dozy. I could blame on emotions, but it wasn't just emotions. I had apologies to get out, I had fears and loss to feel. To clarify, (because this is an open blog and I have shared it with my older kids), I had to apologize to another adult yesterday. I had to transition or change and they way in which I did, left me feeling as if I manipulated the situation for the other person to feel sorry for me, instead of bowing out gracefully, I thrashed about. I didn't like her.
     The fears I had, well, there's this fear when you apologize, that it won't be accepted. But someone told me once that when we apologize and ask for forgiveness, and step back, the ball is in their court. We can receive what they have to say or not say, but then game over. Walk off, walk off knowing you did your very best. The very best to your ability, that is good.
    The loss I felt, just came from missing another female I could talk to. I wanted to share with one of these women. I know now, I HAVE to be able to share with my heavenly Father, my husband and to seek out and trust other women. It will come, all in good time. Today, I am actually pretty proud of myself. I did something huge yesterday. In my life. I also recognize it is January, the 19th was my mom's birthday, I am No Evidence of Disease and transitioning into that realization. That I don't have this disease, but my job right now is to keep fighting it. Fighting the negativity in my life and moving forward to a life MORE fulfilling than any I've ever know. (Oh, and I also learned authors can and should use spellcheck). Love you, love me, love you, love me!

1.7.16 Mimic

I don't even know where to begin.

https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=8719469485576497233#editor/target=post;postID=7055619257514617046;onPublishedMenu=posts;onClosedMenu=posts;postNum=4;src=postname

This was a post from awhile back. Trials. Trials that day. Mimic the trials of today. An unbroken circle. Oh, when will I learn? When will I learn to trust, that maybe this is what I should be doing. Late into the night,  early in the morning, typing. Letting it all go, letting it all out.

I started a Girl Scout troop for E. Let me rephrase. I helped start a Girl Scout troop. It, strained me. It challenged me, to the point of stress. But I still loved it. But it wasn't my calling for now. When Olivia was this age, I lead her scout troop. I loved it, I was challenged and I loved it. I could feel the impact I was making on young lives. I still to this day love those girls. My girls. I thought it would be the same. I thought I would be making the same impact. But... So... I quit. Or as I told Elizabeth today, I stopped for a little while, leading, but I am still a girl scout, just doing different things now. I guess I feel somewhat like a failure. I apoligized for how I left, it was ugly and it wasn't me. Not to the girls but to myself, to those around me. Even after the apology, I didn't feel the release. I had no one to really share with.

You know how you have that one or two friends you can share with and they just get it. They know exactly what to say. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" or "It's okay, cry for a minute." I don't really have that right now. I'm searching for her. That one person I can trust with all of my aches, joys, pains, smiles. Share verbally. I'm learning how to trust. I am learning who I am. All of this again. I am relearning I am coming full circle? What is that saying? Insanity, is just doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? I know this blog is what I am called to do, and I don't know why. I spend so much time worrying about why and trying to figure it out, when I should just be typing. Just type. It will come out. Then it is fully released. See I learned awhile ago. You should apologize, you should forgive, but then there has to be an action. A change in behavior. I hope, I pray I can change this, attitude in trying to find (just do) and trusting (just do).

Does this make sense? Love you, love me, love you, love me.

quilt piece from a project runway participant