1.7.16 Mimic

I don't even know where to begin.

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This was a post from awhile back. Trials. Trials that day. Mimic the trials of today. An unbroken circle. Oh, when will I learn? When will I learn to trust, that maybe this is what I should be doing. Late into the night,  early in the morning, typing. Letting it all go, letting it all out.

I started a Girl Scout troop for E. Let me rephrase. I helped start a Girl Scout troop. It, strained me. It challenged me, to the point of stress. But I still loved it. But it wasn't my calling for now. When Olivia was this age, I lead her scout troop. I loved it, I was challenged and I loved it. I could feel the impact I was making on young lives. I still to this day love those girls. My girls. I thought it would be the same. I thought I would be making the same impact. But... So... I quit. Or as I told Elizabeth today, I stopped for a little while, leading, but I am still a girl scout, just doing different things now. I guess I feel somewhat like a failure. I apoligized for how I left, it was ugly and it wasn't me. Not to the girls but to myself, to those around me. Even after the apology, I didn't feel the release. I had no one to really share with.

You know how you have that one or two friends you can share with and they just get it. They know exactly what to say. "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" or "It's okay, cry for a minute." I don't really have that right now. I'm searching for her. That one person I can trust with all of my aches, joys, pains, smiles. Share verbally. I'm learning how to trust. I am learning who I am. All of this again. I am relearning I am coming full circle? What is that saying? Insanity, is just doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? I know this blog is what I am called to do, and I don't know why. I spend so much time worrying about why and trying to figure it out, when I should just be typing. Just type. It will come out. Then it is fully released. See I learned awhile ago. You should apologize, you should forgive, but then there has to be an action. A change in behavior. I hope, I pray I can change this, attitude in trying to find (just do) and trusting (just do).

Does this make sense? Love you, love me, love you, love me.

quilt piece from a project runway participant