As I sit here in a pile of paperwork to my knees, I cry. This journey has been so long and I thought, once I'm free and clear of any evidence of disease, then I'm free and clear to resume life as normal. Not so. I am living and learning daily that I no longer have cancer. That I can do more than I thought I could and I'm learning to trust God, that this is how it's suppose to be.
I accepted a job offer outside of the home. It's been 9 years since I've worked out of the home, so this will be different. Weeks ago I struggled with the thought and today I embrace it. I embrace it for what it is, a chance to tell my story, a chance to help others, a chance to live as a working mother differently then I did the first time. Of course I am at times overwhelmed with "what-ifs", but I won't let the "what-ifs" determine who I am and who I am called to be.
There's a lot on my mind today and a lot I want to release, I only have a few minutes this afternoon, but I have to let some of this go...
I miss my mom, I wish she would've been here to see everything I've gone through. I wish I could hear the phone ring and tell her how scared I am of going back to work, of starting Senior year with her oldest grandson, of how proud I am of all three of my kids. I wish I could tell her this has been hard, letting go of cancer and being sick. I wish I could tell her how brave and patient and loving Bill has been. I wish I could tell her about the Woman's Bible Study group in our home and the amount of spiritual growth I've gone through in the last year. I wish I could hear the excitement in her voice and the encouragement that she knew I could do this. I even wish I could hear her to tell me to stop crying.
I started a journal a few days after she passed away and I wanted to write little things I would tell her about that day. The journal went on for a little while and soon dropped off. I wish I would've picked it back up, but in a way I don't think I was meant to at that time. Maybe someday soon. For now I have my Bible study journals, my personal journal and this blog that I hope is helping someone else.
There is such a great release in sharing, I know that I am in for a great adventure and I look forward to it. I look forward to telling all of you, my ups and downs/ ins and outs of surviving not just cancer, but of surviving LIFE. I choose today to LIVE, LIFE, FULLY and ALIVE. Breathing in air, seeing beauty in eyes of children, wind blown leaves and in a hot dinner.
Life after cancer says you can't have those things, you aren't worth it, it's not worth it, it's too hard to get up...
Life after _________________ says you can't have those things, etc. etc. BUT you can! YOU can go through something crappy and you can be blessed with good things, choose. CHOOSE to have joy and life and peace. We will choose this together. I'm still here. (Just a little happier now!)
Love you, Love Me, Love you, love me
Friday, September 8, 2017
5.30.17 In Some Ways
In some ways life is more challenging now that the cancer is gone. I don't have that crutch, I don't get to see/ feel/ hear "Oh, that's too bad, here is a free pass". Now I have to push through the crap that gets thrown my way. I have to FEEL. Before, during the diagnosis, I could just say, "Oh, I'm going through cancer, my fight is cancer, pass on feeling bad or angry or anything negitive". Not so now. Now I have to re-learn how to feel crap, acknowledge crap, shovel through crap. (I hope my crap helps fertilize someone else's garden.)
So today. Today my feelings are failure, feeling overwhelmed, feeling tired. I have a new venture these days and these plans I have don't seem to be working out like I would like them to. Thus: failure throughts/ feelings. Overwhelmed because I take this all on and it's all-or-nothing in THE WAY I PLANNED IT TO WORK OUT. Thus: feelings of being overwhelmed. Feeling tired, because I see myself working this treadmill and IT'S NOT WORKING THE WAY I PLANNED.
So, I have learned in life, this... Have a feeling, acknowledge it, and move through it.
For moving through these thoughts, I notice they are each a cycle...feeling/ thought-> emotion-> feeling/ thought. But what if I was to give up what I thought was the RIGHT way? What if I was to give up control of how I think it's to go. What if I was to NOT rely on thoughts or feelings? Then I wouldn't have the emotion which would feed back into the feeling/ emotion.
I know this can all sound super weird, but I'm figuring this out, just in a blog and not in a group therapy session or my own journal. Plus I would rather move through this process then have to be stuck in a wheel of foreverness...
So today. Today my feelings are failure, feeling overwhelmed, feeling tired. I have a new venture these days and these plans I have don't seem to be working out like I would like them to. Thus: failure throughts/ feelings. Overwhelmed because I take this all on and it's all-or-nothing in THE WAY I PLANNED IT TO WORK OUT. Thus: feelings of being overwhelmed. Feeling tired, because I see myself working this treadmill and IT'S NOT WORKING THE WAY I PLANNED.
So, I have learned in life, this... Have a feeling, acknowledge it, and move through it.
For moving through these thoughts, I notice they are each a cycle...feeling/ thought-> emotion-> feeling/ thought. But what if I was to give up what I thought was the RIGHT way? What if I was to give up control of how I think it's to go. What if I was to NOT rely on thoughts or feelings? Then I wouldn't have the emotion which would feed back into the feeling/ emotion.
I know this can all sound super weird, but I'm figuring this out, just in a blog and not in a group therapy session or my own journal. Plus I would rather move through this process then have to be stuck in a wheel of foreverness...
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