4.20.17 After all this time

        So after all this time, it's a scary feeling, tying words out into the universe and not knowing where they are going, who is going to read, how these words will be perceived. I worry lately that this blog has become a failure of sorts. I don't invest nearly as much time into it as I once did, probably because I don't have the time I once did. I think it's a failure for lack of comments, responses it receives, but it could be that there just ARE no responses for something that needs to be thought upon. Processed. I feel it's a failure because it's not. I can look back on this and see how far I' have come. Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually. The growth I've taken and have yet to take.
        I see now how hard I can be on myself. Over-thinking. Instead of letting the words go and releasing them, I over analyze them and check and check and check. But they are thoughts, meant to be released.
       So, I am ready. I am ready to type- ready to release my thoughts and feelings. I HAVE to, they may be helping someone. Someone may read them and think, "Good, I'm not alone".
       My latest challenges, and yes, after almost 6 years from my diagnosis (tomorrow marks 6 years from the first call), I still have challenges relating to that diagnosis. The first challenge is that I own the diagnosis. I think I had something do to with it, I may have somehow caused it, or I didn't DO something that caused this. I somehow brought this upon myself. For some of you this may sound foreign. But think about it, how often has life brought to us a challenge and we wonder what did I do to deserve this or what DIDN'T I do. Could I have lived life a little differently to get a different outcome?
       Early in my diagnosis, I refused to allow this thought to come in. It was considered a negative thought and negative thinking brings negative results. I wouldn't allow these type of questions to cross my mind, I couldn't, they made me sick. I simply said, "It is what it is". So why is now different? I guess because I am ready to let go of the diagnosis. I am ready to let it be in my past. I am tired of living like, "Oh, I had cancer". "Oh, I'm a cancer survivor". Yes, I earned those scars, but it's not who I am today. That diagnosis, the cancer brought me where I am today and molded a part of me, but I am not a victim anymore. I'm not a "give-me-whatever-I-want-whatever-I-deserve-because-I-went-through-this" person anymore. I can  also see how this past year God has been moving me to this stronger place. I was called a victim (I needed to be), I fought blogging (I am ready to do this cancer-free) and I am going through things now that seem WAY harder than breast cancer. Crazy thought I know, harder than cancer??? You'd be surprised.
        Another challenge all this time later is that I am angry, angry that I had cancer, angry that it took 5 years of my life. Took 5 years of me being a parent, a wife, a contributing member of society. OR so I have BELIEVED. Yeah, it was 5 years, 5 years of life, but to think of the friends, LIFELONG friends I have met. To stop and think of those people I was able to stop and give encouragement to in the infusion room. I was able to talk with cancer patients, family members of cancer patients, nurses and doctors. I was able to show them that there is HOPE. That there is life beyond that call, beyond that diagnosis, beyond STAGE 4. There is life beyond radiation burns and chemo throwing up and the thoughts of "Am I going to die?". There is LIFE, laying in bed day after day. There is LIFE listening to your family in the other room. THERE IS LIFE, with every heart beat, just LIVE for this 1 moment. You can make it through this next moment.
          I am ready. I am ready to see where GOD is going to take me next. I am ready to see what is in store next. I am ready to believe that there are bigger things in store for me than just being a cancer survivor.
         Hey what can I say, I am a "Go get it, go get it ALL kinda girl".

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,  Ephesians 3:20

So after all this time, I'm ready to let go anddddd....I'm pretty amazed that all that was in me, and to think, I was ready to skip blogging today to veg out on facebook... NOT TODAY FACEBOOK. NOT TODAY.

Love you, love me, love you, love me!