11.24.15... They grow...TMI

First of all, if you want reconstruction, be sure you want it. I had my expanders put in two weeks and 4 days. The first week I felt great, almost normal, or maybe I was so out of it, I just felt great. The second week, the pain start to kicks in. My dad made it here to Wasilla last Wednesday and I am telling you that even if you are a completely grown adult, just having a parent around, makes life so much better. Well with one small flight and wouldn't you know, his bag got left back in Fairbanks.  So we ended up driving to Anchorage. That did me in I didn't realize how much arm and pectoral muscles are used when driving, and when driving a couple of hours, ouch. But we did it and I had a nice time with my dad. My first Golden Corral since last spring. :) That's for another blog.
   Today I went in for a fill.

I believe there were 120 cc filled in during surgery in each side. TODAY I had 60cc in each side. I can see and feel the difference, but it's not this huge change. It's crazy to go through this even though I've been through it before, only at a much slower race. Pain has subsided, but it's late and I have treatment tomorrow. We all know this means, somewhat of a late night tonight, but with all of your prayers an easy night and safe drive into Anchorage tomorrow. Please know I wouldn't trade this experience for any other way. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11.16.15~ The Drains are GONE!

Went to see my surgeon today and had my drains pulled AND my stitches out. What a relief. This morning I woke up and I was told myself, it's just a thing, it's just drains, and this won't last forever. It is temporary. And how blessed I am to have this procedure done and for an ending for it to come, and it did.
I had my very good friend B take me into Anchorage. What a blessing! She teaches me so much and strengthens me where I think I can't or don't need to learn more. It is so very hard for me still to ask for help. In fact, I still ask Bill to ask others for help, for fear of rejection I suppose. What I am learning is just because people can't help me, doesn't mean that they don't love me. They just are unable to.
I realize I struggle with love ones being sick, it makes me feel sad and weak that I can't help them, so I avoid. I hope I can gently and gracefully learn to overcome this.
In more exciting UP news, I drove today! I DROVE! I took my princess to school. It is these little small "normal" things that make me so happy! So overcome with joy, I can't help but share! Please continue to keep your thoughts and prayers for me and I will do the same. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

11/16/15 Wearing out

No idea what to title this one as I am very tired, but the pain in my sides has kicked in and I am finding sleep elusive.
Most of you, my un-followers know this means I may tend to ramble a bit or blog around in circles. This is okay. This gets it off my chest (no pun intended) and out of my thought process.
In church today we heard about healing. About one, who we are in Christ and we were asked what does that mean. What is HAPPENING in our lives if we know who we are in Christ and who Christ is in our life. Something then must be happening. Are we laying hands on the sick and they are being healed? Are we raising the dead to life? (all in Jesus name of course) I was given the opportunity to give my testimony. See if you have known me from the beginning if you've followed my story, I went from stage 4 Breast Cancer to NO EVIDENCE of DISEASE. There is no cancer in my body. I have been healed. I am a walking miracle. This past surgery has been for reconstruction and for the doctors to replace what they removed.
Tonight, my thought process raises the question, if I believe (and I BELIEVE!!) I have been healed, then my whole body should fall into the alignment of being healed. There should be no "side effects" from the disease, hurt, addiction, pain, suffering right? Furthermore, God doesn't do things half way right? Did heal the blind man's one eye, or the man with leprosy only 1/2 his body. God does things to the fullest. We should receive to the fullest. I shouldn't be afraid of being healed. In fact if I woke up in the morning with completely full breast, with no trace of disease...a COMPLETE healing. a little shocked, yeah, probably. But what a rocking miracle. God did it all.Same God from 2000 years ago who raised Jesus from the dead. Same Jesus who raised Lazarus from the dead. This is what I want. I want miracles in my life and I don't want any fear about them. I don't any worry about what a freak of nature that would be. I would CLAIM my Jesus Freak nature and Give Him the glory. Okay my thoughts for the night. Know that I am praying for you tonight my friends and I love you, love me, love you,love me.

Rhonda

11.15.15 Still here

Still here. Still a survivor, still a fighter. But I don't feel like a fighter. I am in pain.
    Let's recap shall we? I decided some time ago that I wanted to have reconstruction. I wanted breasts back. I thought of myself as completely happy with what I had (or didn't have). Basically my chest was two scars with mounds of fat/ tissue/ muscle around them. I loved them. I felt beautiful. Nothing really about them said ugly to me. I decided that, long ago, when they had to be taken, I would love my body.I would love my scars. But I knew at some point I would want reconstruction, for reasons I choose not to disclose.
   A month ago I went into to see a surgeon, he called my oncologist who gave the go ahead. This is huge, because, it meant, I am going to live, it meant the doctor's believed I am going to live long enough to need/ want/ appreciate breasts. Next step, talk to a plastic surgeon. The different procedures were talked about and I knew what I wanted, the surgeon agreed. A date was set for my first surgery.
   Let's say that I hate surgery, I don't mind the aftercare at the hospital, but I hate going in. I was ready for this one and my surgeon was ready for me. (Lots of anxiety meds beforehand).
   Fast forward to tonight. It's been 10 days since my surgery. I was sent home all set. Nothing extraordinary. Tolerate foods, okay on pain meds, doing all right. Now comes the hard part. Being at home, in bed. No lifting, no cooking, cleaning, and no carpooling. WHAT? That's been the deal breaker for me. I love, I mean LOVE to drive my kids to school, pick them up, basketball practice, woman's Bible Study. I send anywhere from 10-24 hours a week in my van. And I love it. I get to chat or not chat with the kids. I can listen to music, or a book. I pray, it's my away time. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I don't like to head out, but for the most part since the beginning of my diagnosis, I love being in the crazy minivan. It gives me purpose.
   So now, stuck in bed. Hate it. I hate not seeing my kids in the morning, or after school. I hate not cooking for them (funny cause I distinctly recall hating to cook at times).
   10 days later. I still have my drains in. Drains. a plastic bulb thingy the size of a tennis ball. Clear oval shaped, looooong tube attached. (Note: gross part coming up...) Tube goes into a HOLE in the side of my chest, under my arm. Tube in SEWN into skin with thread around tube. Bump the tube, PAIN. Bump the hole, PAIN. Slightly pull on the tube or the bulb, PAIN. I have two of these stinkers one on each side of me. I HATE them. In fact, I'm pretty sure, I had Bill pull the last one early, I was in so much pain.
    I'm a side sleeper, not with these babies. So tonight as I am trying to figure a way to minimize the pain, without medication (sedation is more what I'm thinking). I look down. Two perfectly even lengths of medical tape covering a beautifully flat chest. She's got scratches and old scar marks. The skin is recognizably darker where the radiation took place, but she is a beauty. Even, symmetrical and beautiful. So when I rest my head in a few moments, I will smile, I may even shed a few tears, so very thankful for life and beauty and the ability to still be here...Love you, love me, love you, love me.