Wishing and hoping and dreaming and praying.

I heard this song at a cousins wedding, it was the opening song and
So here goes... another challenge I will blog about.
As I lay in bed wishing and hoping and dreaming and praying, I wonder if all this cancer crap even made a difference. If all of this was for nothing. Ive had family in the last month or so tell me I can't possibly understand them because I wasnt there or here. I've had family and friends check-out. I've been accused of making it all about me. I've beat myself up for having cancer, getting cancer and even fighting cancer. I've questioned and blamed and cried. So much crying. I'm still on treatments and that makes all of this even harder. Because right now as I lay here wishing and hoping and dreaming and praying, I wonder if any of it was worth it. Did any of this make a difference, a true difference. Did me going through any of this change the outcome of the future? I may never know, and THAT sucks. I mean, wow. It is a huge step of faith for me, this next step. I had been thinking for the last 6 months that my next step of faith was going to be stopping treatment. It never occurred to me that the next step of faith would be to continue treatment, for my kids. And I guess as I think about it, I can do it for them, so that they can see how I'm not doing this alone. I never have. Every step as been Christ leading me. Every tear, laugh, song and silent prayer, GOD has lead me, covered me, and at times carried me. There have been days I wanted so badly to quit, and days I have so badly wanted to LIVE and though each of them, EACH and every step I know I have not been alone. I want my kids to SEE that.
So now THIS step out onto the dance floor of life, still,
Wishing and hoping and dreaming and PRAYING.
Love you,