A song normally heard during a funeral I suppose. But for me, it's a song of rebirth. A rising from the ashes type of song (and I just heard it on the TV). Per my usual, it's very late and my mind refuses to shut down until I type the words running through my mind. I desperately don't want this to be a debbie downer post, but to get to the joy part, the overcoming part, the comfortable part, you have to go through the trials. And if you're reading this, you're going to go through this with me.
It started several weeks ago, another fever, more aches. I could feel this coming on. Another infection. At first I was determined to get this and get it over quick. Then I noticed something. I noticed little good-byes. I noticed I would admire myself in the mirror and say good-bye to these breasts, to this body. I looked lovingly at myself, her smile, her confidence, her outward beauty, and I felt a little sad, like I knew something was coming. I have blogged from the beginning, I knew I was in for a fight. Five years ago, I could feel a calling on my life to a challenge, a challenge to love, to give my all. I'm not saying I'm something special or that I'm proud of this. It's just something, like my story. We all have a story, and I had an idea I was in for another page in this story. Back to the infection, I knew something, somehow. I told Bill how I was feeling and it was decided that Thursday the 27th I would go in and see the doctor. I remember saying "If this is it, if it's another infection, I am done. I can't keep doing this. I want my new normal. I'm tired of not lifting things, not being able to reach, of scared of hurting myself every time I hug or drive or walk on the treadmill."
The wheels turned quickly as they sometimes do, once set in motion. I was sent to the E.R. and it was decided I would go in for surgery later that night. I woke from surgery crying, feeling like something was over, or someone had died. Someone had left me. Bill was there, I chatted on the phone with my dad. I had Bill text one of my closest friends. I told him to call the kids. Check, check, check, check. All there, all there. Then why did I feel as though someone DIED? Bill stayed with me until I had something to eat and reassured me, everything was okay, Kids, Friends, Sisters, Dad, Brother, beloved furry Tree Bear and even chickens all an hour's drive away. I fell asleep.
The next morning I woke, groggy and still feeling an internal pain. It would be 2:00P.M. before I could be released. Bill called and said he would be coming to get me. I slept off and on most of the day. I had forgotten my phone at home the previous day, so I had no way to communicate with anyone and was just so exhausted from surgery. Bill arrived and we had found it would be another couple of hours before I could go home. I still didn't have my phone, and was getting updated from Bill and giving him updates to post for me.
The drive home was long yet it seems as if time were slipping by. I put my hand to my chest and cried. We got home and I headed straight for bed. I just couldn't seem to think, like I was in a fog, trying to clear the air, trying to make sense of what just happened. I hugged my kids and pulled the covers up.... I once was lost...
Tomorrow, the longest week to date.
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