I have this drawer in a nightstand. Cluttered with chargers for various electronics, a lightbulb for "mom's lamp", favorite books and devotionals, pens and journals, batteries. A typical mom drawer. but tucked away are letters and cards. These letters and cards don't belong in the box of birthday cards in storage. These cards are the special ones. I have to keep them close. They are little reminders of love. A valentine's card from Bill, a few letters from a penpal in Fairbanks, and 16th Birthday card for my daughter. They all say love. There is a note in tucked away with a prayer that I would be blessed and have comfort in knowing how strong and powerful I am.
It has been years since my diagnosis and just recently (the last 10 months or so) I have found myself on a journey of letting go of my diagnosis. See, cancer didn't end for me the moment my doctor's said "No evidence of disease". It didn't end with the last round of chemotherapy. Cancer didn't end when I started running or went back to work, or even when I wished it and willed it. It's not even that I am afraid it will come back. It won't. I'm not afraid of that. I don't EVER want to live my life in that kind of fear. I want to LIVE, I want to LOVE, unbashedly and unashamed. So I am finding in order to get there, it's not just about living unafraid of cancer, it's about living unafraid of who I am, NOW. Who I am without cancer, without being a survivor. I will always be a survivior, but I don't have to LIVE like one. I can live, I can breathe and walk and run. I can carpool and do laundry. I can LOVE by finding a charger or a lightbulb. I can love by sharing my devotion and by writing my story here. And, I can love myself and believe the words written and tucked away in this heart... Love you, love me, love you, love me.
No comments:
Post a Comment